I wish I had more to say, better words to write, speeches to make, conversations to have. I hold so much inside all of the time, I even feel I can’t ask those closest to me for something I want or need. I am not really sure where it comes from or when it started.
I used to work as a “deskside” IT Support person for a large company. I was responsible for fixing hardware and software issues, long before networks, email or the Internet was a thing. I was good at what I did, speaking to people, fixing their problems, being a generally outgoing person.
But after I moved to work in a city I had to travel to by train each day, I changed. All of my work became remote, fixing issues through Teamviewer or talking people through things on the phone. The only people I met in real life were my colleagues in the same office.
I think that shift in work patterns changed me. Either that, or it coincided with my depression coming on more than it had ever done. Perhaps I was too tired from being a new father again, travelling a long distance each day and working quiet hard. My general weariness allowed depression to creep in, making me quiet, introverted and shy.
Perhaps the depression changed my personality too. Or perhaps it hasn’t gone away.