Asking for help

My dad’s dining room table has about enough room for an elbow and a cup of coffee. Full disclosure, sometimes my desk looks a bit like my dad’s table. My aunt will offer to clean the table off, but he always comes up with an excuse not to engage, sometimes going as far as to invoke the ultimate trump card, my dear, departed mother’s spirit. “She always kept her pills there in that basket.”

It seems like odd behavior, but I can understand his inaction. Never give an open task to someone with depression.

1. They probably have more important things on their own todo list that they haven’t mustered the energy to work on.
2. They are going to feel inadequate or like a failure for not already completing the task.
3. They are now going to associate you with an unfinished task and will avoid you.
4. The task is now poisoned because they’re afraid if they do the task, you’ll assign another task.

Even offers of help can trigger this task-avoidance behavior. “If you don’t have anywhere to put those boxes, I can burn them for you.”

For people with depression, especially those who are feeling isolated, you’re probably better off asking for help with small manageable tasks. “Oh, I need some boxes! Can I take those with me?” Asking for help can actually dispel depression temporarily, and get the person moving—they might jump up and start breaking down boxes.

Doing something for themselves feels like too much effort. Doing something to help someone else, that’s worth the energy expenditure.