Do I dare disturb the universe?

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
– T. S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

These lines sum up this past month for me, and perhaps a large portion of my life. Like Prufrock, I live in a hell I can’t escape. My prison is crafted from precisely laid out lines of skillful indecision. My life is measured in coffee spoons, and I require effortful machinations of thought to lift each spoon and tap it against the porcelain cup.

The Italian epigraph to Eliot’s poem comes from Dante’s Inferno and basically says, “I would do anything to protect my reputation, but since no one escapes hell, I’ll tell you the truth of my misdeeds.”

This poem describes Prufrock’s hell of living in his own mind and being afraid to act.

Prufrock can’t escape this hell because he’s afraid to speak and thus damage his reputation, but the poet serves as witness in the way Dante did. The poem is a warning for all men who spin wool and wonder, “Do I dare?”

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock pairs nicely with Yeats’ The Second Coming.

The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

This dichotomy summarizes the paradox of decision. It is a poetic explanation of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Why is Socrates the wisest man on earth? Because he knows that he knows nothing.

Everyone else is deluded by certainty.

Interestingly, this theme ran through the fantasy trilogy I finished reading this week, The Dragonmaster Trilogy by Katie Cross. Two sisters lived in a tyrannical religious community where they were slaves to dragons. As one took power to become a dragonmaster the other tried to master the power of prophecy. They were both trying to protect themselves and others by controlling the world, and in the end they had to learn acceptance.

Being free means accepting the possibility that tragedies will occur as a result of our choices, including our choice not to choose.

Good and decent folk can become paralyzed by that fear. Meanwhile, treacherous and deluded actors rush forward to seize power. And thus the world is ruled by fools and tyrants.

The indirect sin of indecision allows other sins to exist.

This month I also read the memoire I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy. The book demonstrates how to break the generational cycle of mental illness and abuse through radical honesty. I’ve seen interviews with McCurdy on podcasts and I was impressed by her willingness to talk about aspects of her life most of us would tamp down into a tiny box and plaster into a hollowed-out space behind the walls.

It was her mother’s fear of maintaining her reputation that led McCurdy herself to become obsessed with making her mother happy at all costs. Only after her mother died with cancer was McCurdy finally free to be honest and choose her own path in life.

The fear to act in the world is often defined by what we fear others will think of us.

Perhaps an answer to Prufrock can be found in the business book Six Simple Rules by Yves Morieux. Much of the book describes how to create effective systems for organizations by distributing power and limiting resources across organizations in a way that forces people to cooperate.

A family with five television sets doesn’t have to negotiate which program to watch because everyone can watch the show he or she wants. The result is the kind of self-sufficiency that kills family life.
– Yves Morieux, article Smart Rules: Six Ways to Get People to Solve Problems Without You

There’s a path between total freedom and total control that requires negotiation. Negotiation only occurs when people have established power and limited resources.

Do I dare disturb the universe? If I have a need, then I must.

Currently, I am self-sufficient, and I can pace the contours of my living room lost in thought as groceries are delivered to my doorstep. Much of modern life is trending toward this illusion of individual empowerment. We are granted the freedom to not associate with others.

For now, it is safer to remain hidden and not risk my reputation. Is there freedom in being honest? Is there power in needing help?