Meeting

I had a quick informal business meeting today at the office. Some people from our main customer popped in for a chat, a coffee and some lunch. It was all very low-key.

When we were talking, I began to feel quite anxious (in hindsight). My throat went dry, I was struggling to swallow and I found it hard to get my words out. I felt a rush of adrenaline in my stomach and chest and my face started to buzz. I was thinking I might pass out. I wasn’t sure if the people I was talking to could tell I was crumbling.

I finished what I was saying and quickly excused myself, dashing into the nearby toilet. I went into a cubicle and stood with my head in my hands, shaking, feeling my heart race and wondering if I should keep the door unlocked in case I did faint. I gave myself a pep-talk, which consisted of things like “get it together, you stupid fuck…”

I was only in there for a minute or two and when I returned to the table, I grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator which helped to control my nervous swallowing/gag reflex. I didn’t feel 100% perfect after that, but was able to find moments of bodily calm to interject, quip and add value to the conversation.

I was even able to eat lunch with them too, which when the initial wave hit me I didn’t think I would be able to, wondering what excuse I could give to run away. Perhaps that first bad moment had passed and I was calmer then. It also helped that the food was vegetable chilli, easy to scoop in and chow on. Luckily, no dry sandwiches to struggle with.

I can remember this happening once before when I was in a meeting, maybe 10 or more years ago. Again, it was all very jovial and friendly, but I had a sudden rush in my stomach and began to feel shaky with a pounding heart. Again, I was able to excuse myself and get some water from outside the meeting room. If it had been with anyone else, I might have not been able to make such a sudden exit to recover.

I have only felt the feeling a few times in between, once when I was pitching to our customer and I felt the small rush come on, but I was able to control it and had a bottle of water with me. The thought of presenting might make anyone nervous, but I had that nagging feeling I might cave in. I also get a similar feeling when I am having my hair cut, the tape they position around my throat and the tightness of the cape they use to catch the hairs makes me feel a bit panicky. There was one time when I had to stop the hairdresser mid cut so I could get some fresh air, worrying that I was struggling to swallow. Now, I tend to pinch my leg under the cape to help with the panic feelings.

I wonder if it is the fact that I feel a little trapped, not able to move freely or express how I am feeling. The act of keeping serious and still makes it worse and it builds inside me, coming out as a sort of panic attack.

I also wondered if it was because I was sitting facing a wall of glass and the light outside against the people I was talking to made me feel funny. Although, I can’t use that as an excuse the other times it has happened. Even now, I feel like my head is tight and pounding, like everything is too bright, that I just want to close my eyes to it all or hide in a dark room. My throat also still feels restricted, like I have some sort of allergic reaction to my life.

Maybe it is time for a shot of whiskey?

Yeah, dumbass, that sounds like the perfect solution :/