Sorry not sorry

There’s a time when I felt putting myself lower and being more apologetic is a good thing. Then, I felt doing that disarms me therefore disarms (most) people, lowers any threat levels perceived, makes me harmless, safe and comfortable to work with, talk to, transact with. People enjoyed working with me, enjoyed being in that light, enjoyed the ease.

So I said “sorry” often.

But it didn’t always work.

There’s always some who will home in on that signal like an eagle, and take advantage of that goodwill. Narcissists who will manipulate that for their personal benefit. Or clueless idiots you’re kind to but make your life harder anyway.

Then I realised, I didn’t need to say sorry.

I didn’t need to lower myself so people didn’t need to crane their neck.
I didn’t need to make myself smaller so everyone didn’t feel small.
I didn’t need to be nice so that everyone is nice to one another.

Now, I’m selective.

Kind, but take no shit.
Nice, but nobody’s doormat.
Safe, but dangerous if needed.

I try. At least.

The old nice guy still pops up, most times.
I slap his hand and take over.

Sorry not sorry.