Unlearning your identity
jasonleow • 24 Jul 2024 •
Over the long run, the real reason you fail to stick with habits is that your self-image gets in the way. This is why you can’t get too attached to one version of your identity. Progress requires unlearning. Becoming the best version of yourself requires you to continuously edit your beliefs, and to upgrade and expand your identity. – James Clear
This is why entrepreneurship is the hardest thing for me.
I think there’s a few things that’s part of my identity that oftentimes get in the way of entrepreneurship:
- Money mindset - Growing up I felt having money was ‘dirty’. So I ignored it, and focused on what things that felt more ‘virtuous’, like passion, self-growth. But now, as a husband, father, adult son, I truly see why money isn’t dirty. At the fundamental it’s just a medium for ensuring food, shelter, safety, for my family. Any resource can be used or abused in unwholesome ways, so that should be what I’m against, not money in and of itself. But old mindsets die hard, especially ones you grew up with. So what happens you want abundance but you hate money, the one resource that can bring abundance? You blocked yourself, unknowingly. I’m more self-aware of that now, but still takes effort and work to shed that skin.
- Charity and altruism - My first real career was in the social welfare sector. It was all about doing it for charity, altruism, and compassion, for me. That was the past 20 years of my life, basically. So what happens when you want to switch to a career to maximise profits and personal gain? You struggle to get used to it. It’s related to point #1.
- Employee mindset - I’m a good student and employee. I still am. I know how to follow the rules, serve my boss, toe the line, keep my head down, work hard for the organisation, do as told, be professional and amiable with colleagues and partners. So what happens when you need to break the rules, zag when other zig, self-promote, and stand out, or even get some haters? You instinctively bristle at it, shy away, avoid it. But that’s what entrepreneurs need to do.
So Mr Clear is right - I need to edit these beliefs. Ironically, I got to expand my identity by removing parts of it.
Only when these bits go is there room for the new ones to grow into.
The million dollar question is… how does one edit and transform deep-seated beliefs and mindsets?
Comments
My doctor had me order the internal family systems workbook. I leafed through it and am dreading the start of that work. 😂 @jasonleow You are onto something regarding changing your beliefs and your perceived identity.
@haideralmosawi Wow Haider, grateful for the long reply! Thank you. 🙏
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I think you’re right that this isn’t a rational conversation. Definitely emotional. I feel it’s even linked to more fundamental instincts related to safety and security, attachment figures, key developmental events in life, etc. Something about family systems that @therealbrandonwilson mentioned. Working through it, but feels like a lifelong process…
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Good point. I shall try this reframing! For me, it’s less about having money to be charitable, but more in service to others through acts of service/work, about effort/time. That’s the thing that blocks me I think… If I’m busy earning money, would I have time to give back? (question to self 🤔)
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I like this. I remember I once reframed it as “how do I learn my way towards $10k?”. I love learning, and it resonated for sure. Certainly need to remind myself - there’s no set of rules that life runs on. It just is.
@therealbrandonwilson Oh yeah this is definitely strongly correlated to family systems work. Tough work. And I suspect, I might never be done done with in in this lifetime…
Btw, family systems is different to Internal Family Systems. The founder of IFS was a family systems therapist, but he realized we have similar internal dynamics. I highly recommend you look into IFS to better work with your beliefs/emotions.
I have a lot to say about it being “a lifelong process”, but I’ll write about that in today’s post. 😄
@haideralmosawi Cool! Very thought provoking post, which I of course replied too 😉
I rely a lot on Internal Family Systems therapy to work with the parts of me that might be holding me back. My suggestions for your 3 money-blockers:
1- Have a convo with the part of you that thinks money is dirty. Trying to be rational doesn’t necessarily persuade us to let go of beliefs with emotional attachments. So have that conversation. Let that part of you express any objections to your belief that money is good. Maybe “money is dirty” has served it well for a long time that it’s hard for it to let go of that belief. How can you offer reassurances that money is good? How can you get it to buy in, without coercion?
2- The more money you have, the more charitable you can be. But you want to care for your family first before extending charity to others. Or at least not abandon your family in order to support others. It doesn’t have to be an either/or approach. It can be a both/and approach. And you might be able to fuel your ambition to make money with altruistic intentions, if that’s what aligns with your personal values. You’re not abandoning part of your self. You’re aligning and expanding.
3- You don’t need to break rules in entrepreneurship. You need to follow a different set of rules. This mindset shift might appeal to your “good student” attitude in a better way. You are following a new playbook. You belong to a new school. Your peers admire different behaviors. Self-promotion is part of the curriculum. Figuring out how to stand out and being consistent with the activities that help you achieve success with this new assignment in entrepreneurship is what you want to get good at. How can you excel in this school?