What's your toxic indie hacker trait?
jasonleow • 17 May 2024 •
My toxic indie hacker trait is that I don’t really feel a sense of accomplishment after achieving something. Even if that something was my dream a few years ago. All I feel is a mild sense of relief that it’s done, that I finally reached it.
Like making my first $1 of MRR, and hitting $1k monthly revenue.
Before I made Lifelog, I didn’t have any MRR. Sold mostly one-time payment products. So after Lifelog made my first dollars of MRR, I should be thrilled right? But I don’t remember much of it. There might have been a brief moment of celebration and a tweet, but probably the day after, it was back to the grind. I don’t think back about it much. Yet if you asked me a few years before that $1, it would be a dream.
Same with hitting $1k monthly revenue. This was more recent, early last year. It always felt like it might go back to zero anytime, because it’s mostly one-time payment revenue. So the first few months I didn’t even think it will stay there. Then after 1 year, I started to feel more settled into it, yet never felt a sense of accomplishment. I felt I took so long to get to $1k, and more relieved it stayed there. And it always felt like it was just a small milestone compared with my ultimate $10k/m dream.
There, I think, is the key. Once I reach a goal, I immediately move the goal posts up ahead. I seldom ever lingered and savoured. Always just on to the next thing. And the next. And next.
Would $10k/m revenue finally be enough for me to be happy?
Looking at past patterns, I’d probably move the goal up to $20k, or $100k. It’s great for progress and ambition, but maybe not so great for happiness and wellbeing.
That’s how toxic traits stick around. If there’s no benefit I would have changed the habit long ago…
Is it even possible to be ambitious but contented?
Comments
@haideralmosawi Oh interesting, really that’s how dopamine works? But how come it doesn’t work that way with most other normal folks?
Yeah I’ve tried gratitude. But it always feels forced, to me. I might take a few seconds to be thankful, but immediately after that, it’s back to default anticipation mode 99.99% of the time 😢
Normal folks have healthy dopamine regulation. ADHD folk have dysregulated dopamine production, which is why we only respond to extreme situations (where dopamine production is higher).
Gratitude is a skill AND part of us needs to accept the value of gratitude to let go of anticipation/worry about the future. The part of us that worries doesn’t think it’s overworrying. It might even think it needs to worry more. That’s why it needs reassurance to let go of the worry and be more present. You can say to yourself: “I’ll think about the future in the morning. Is it OK if we think about what we’re grateful for at night so we can get a better night’s sleep and wake up more refreshed?”
Emotions can be very accommodating. They often need just a nudge or an invitation to cooperate with us.
It’s actually not a toxic trait. It’s how dopamine functions and meant to function. Don’t be hard on yourself for this. Just blame dopamine. 🤣
On a serious note: The book “Molecule of More” can shed some light on how dopamine works. The book makes a great distinction between “here and now” (things we can immediately reach) with the “there and then” goals that require planning and anticipation (i.e. dopamine).
To appreciate what you’ve accomplished, it might be useful to introduce some gratitude practices that get you to spend some time reflecting on what you have around you and how far you’ve come. Being ambitious is great, but you can also appreciate what you already have on your path to greater accomplishments.