Why so tired

“Why are you so tired?”

I don’t know.

Maybe doing 4 jobs is just tough, no matter how much you settle into it.
Maybe those long 14-hour work days didn’t in fact get easier.
Maybe the scare of not surviving the next month never quite went away.
Maybe trying to make enough to feed the family is heavy enough.
Maybe the thousand yard stare as default mode is a symptom, not cause.
Maybe trying to stay healthy, strong, alert, while tired, makes it triply tiring.
Maybe eating well and eating lean is good but another joy taken away from me.
Maybe it’s not that hobbies stopped giving joy but joy just feels out of reach.
Maybe being present is saying yes to everyone but no to yourself.

I think maybe I had forgotten what non-tiredness feels like.

I just don’t know why anymore.