Misalignment

Maybe this is why I’ve been feeling blocked - I’m blocking myself because misaligned.

Job hunt and consulting gigs going nowhere, holding on to past glories, failing interviews at the final stage, training gigs that underpays – all feels blocked because that’s not where I want to be heading, but done because it’s the responsible thing to do.

Then somewhat easily getting freelance developer gigs, even though it’s a new, uncertain arena, but where I feel more aligned to, enjoy more.

I think the stark contrast is signalling something.

When misaligned, it feels like grinding uphill.
When aligned, it feels like rolling downhill.

I got too mired in my responsibilities and obligations to feed the family and to survive, that I lost perspective. Sometimes, an event, a life situation, overwhelms you and it becomes your entire identity, unknowingly. My mistake was letting my responsibilities dream on my behalf, and it became my ‘dream’ instead. That’s why things didn’t work out. That’s why I always felt like I’m just threading water. Unfortunately, my results will not magically exceed the low standards that survival needs entail.

Yes having enough to eat, a secure home, living a comfortable life, a safe retirement, enjoying luxury occasionally, are all good things to desire in life. But they are ‘low’ in comparison to dreams. Difference of good to great. The realist will never fly as high as optimist. But they are not opposites – a smart optimist is realistic first, just plus plus more. Responsibilities are a subset of my dreams, but I swopped them around, due to survival needs.

To thrive you first need to survive.
But after surviving, you don’t stay there.
You get after thriving.

Now I know.